


The Deceptive Nature of Suits

by completelyhopeless



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Community: comment_fic, Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-23
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-02-26 16:32:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2658767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/completelyhopeless/pseuds/completelyhopeless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coulson. Nobody ever suspects the man in the suit.</p><p>Alternately, five things Phil Coulson did that no one believes he did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Deceptive Nature of Suits

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TourmalineQueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TourmalineQueen/gifts).



> I started out writing this fill as a serious work. It bent and went crack on me and I couldn't get it back.
> 
> I hope that it's funny enough to where that can be overlooked.

* * *

Contrary to popular belief, Phil Coulson was not born in a suit.

He did, however, know how to use them to his advantage.

* * *

It's a little known fact that Phil Coulson created the S.H.I.E.L.D. drinking game.

Mostly because no one believed that Coulson would ever get that drunk. Ever.

Partially because Coulson was so drunk the night he created it that he still didn't remember doing it.

* * *

Phil Coulson was absolutely, emphatically, and unquestionably not involved in the prank war that ended in six cadets being expelled from the academy, fourteen arrests, and the destruction of S.H.I.E.L.D's original New York facility.

No one ever thought to ask him. Not if he had seen what happened, not if he knew who did it, and never once did they think he might have been the one that had taken the 0-8-4 from the research facility.

If they had, he would have told them that nothing furry belonged in a cage.

Since they didn't, he had a hard time finding a place to keep his new pet.

* * *

Before Lola became his, she belonged to Director Fury.

Before Lola became his, four junior agents stole her and took a joyride across the country.

Phil Coulson tracked the car down and brought it back.

That was the official story, anyway. No one ever questioned it. They certainly didn't think that Coulson had orchestrated the entire joyride and had the car for the longest before she returned to Director Fury.

Coulson sometimes thought Fury knew and that was why he gave Lola to him after his death and resurrection, but he never asked.

* * *

Most people blame Budapest on Barton and Romanoff.

They're not wrong.

They're just not entirely right, either.

Coulson wasn't expecting his pet to follow him all the way to Europe. Barton and Romanoff owed that ball of fur their lives, not that they would ever know that.

* * *

When the pictures of Fury wearing nothing but the eye patch and holding Captain America's shield surfaced, it was clear that Coulson could not have been involved. He respected Fury too much and Captain America was his childhood hero. That would never happen. Coulson couldn't have had a part in it. It just wasn't.

Coulson's favorite suit had been ruined on his last mission, and he was running low on money. He would never admit that he'd photoshopped the image because Agent Eastman had bet him two grand that he wouldn't dare.

Eastman died on his next mission and took the secret with him. Coulson put a copy of the image on his grave each year, but still no one had managed to connect it to him.

* * *

Most people had no idea that one of the things Phil Coulson loved most about his job was that no one ever suspected the man in the suit.

**Author's Note:**

> Fills a comment_fic prompt: _[MCU, Coulson, nobody ever suspects the man in the suit](http://comment-fic.livejournal.com/429128.html?thread=68790344#t68790344)_

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Pet that Ate Budapest](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2665424) by [completelyhopeless](https://archiveofourown.org/users/completelyhopeless/pseuds/completelyhopeless)




End file.
